A Good Day

Well after last night, and what a long night!!!! We ended up fighting till around 4 a.m. It's not usually like that with us. When we fight we usually make up fairly quickly since neither of us want to be be in an argument or have the other mad or sad.

Today has been a pretty good day. I'm very thankful that my internet was out again for most the day. My husband told me to water my plants and go out and do the gardens. I'm so glad he thought of this, I absolutely love playing with my plants. He even helped me to till the one garden. I felt kinda bad, since he's still suffering with a bad cough.. it might be bronchitis, but of course he won't go to the doctor. But i was still very glad to have him with me, doing something i love to do. He doesn't usually like to do stuff with the gardens. Then together we mowed and weed whacked the yard, till we ran out of gas...lol

It's so beautiful out.. neither of us wanted to come in, and he commented about how nice it would be to have a double hammock where we could lay and fall asleep together. Oh that would be delightful right now.

tomorrow is mothers day, and we had thought we might travel to my mom's... but Cougar really isn't feeling all that well still. So he asked that we beg off for this weekend and we can go there another weekend. I love to visit my family.. and we all have a great time... but i hate the car ride there. I so wished we lived closer to them. So i'm disappointed i won't be seeing them, I'm also very glad to not have to ride in the car for four hours.

Well today was very pleasant and I hope tomorrow is as relaxed and pleasant :)
Happy Mothers Day a bit early :)

Something else..

Ok i'll admit i'm not in the best of moods atm. But i had wanted to write about something else as well.
I read cookies blog before i got to writing my own for the day. She had made a blog about people from the past contacting her after years of no contact. I was one of them for her :)
Well the same has happened to me lately. It started when i remade a myspace account. People from my past, as far back as highschool started writing to me. I even met up with some old highschool friends on my last visit back to my parents.. That was very nice actually. One of the people that wrote to me.. is actually one of cookie's kids' dad, and that's what made me think of trying to find cookie again. I'm glad i did catch up with you again Cookie , and hope we can continue to communicate, and hopefully one day visit with each other :)
I had other people find me on myspace too. Some not worth mentioning at all.. but some were close friends in my past. I think there are some of them which I've grown too far apart from, to ever rekindle our friendship. While others i'm hopeful that we can catch up and get to know each other all over again.
As for one of them... i just have to say... lol be patient, i was busy trying to deal with a friends broken heart at the moment u messaged me on msn...and i didn't write you a billion times today cause i had to catch up on school work :P Then later of course my internet went out shortly after you tried msging me...btw your word count is improving although i don't consider kdfjao sdfoasjdf sdfojaosdfja sdfaldfdf to be real words ^^

now that i got that off my chest, i can go back to being in my bad mood.. ^^

ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHH

Ok i haven't the patience or desire to worry about the title. Which means this post will probably be very confusing with my thoughts flying from every direction at once. First, i love my husband... i love him very very very very much...
But damn Cougar, open ur damn mouth.... fucking learn to communicate!!!! You know how to communicate when ur angry... well maybe not.. seeing as you only know how to throw your temper tantrums and your hissy fits full of yelling....

I have one damn bad day.. one day in how long???????? I'm always so happy go lucky, today my internet being out pissed me off.. i had deadlines to meet and couldn't meet them so i get in a bad mood... wrong time to joke with me!!!!!!!

So i snip at you!! So fucking what, u do a lot more then snip at me when u have a bad day.. which is alot more often then i have a bad day. But i just overlook it... i move on.. act as if u hadn't just bitten my head off.. but you can't give me the same damn courtesy? Instead out pops your anger problem.. stomp off, slam doors.. ohhh FUCK IT!!!!!!!

So again you apologize, u tell me you will change... u tell me u realize that if you don't change it will cost you me. You say you mean it... but yet... you won't communicate with me!!! I tell you that we could try this time working together as a family to help you stop all the yelling... 'whatever' you say.. pleeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeeee someone tell me wtf 'whatever' means????? i'm so tired of getting that as a response. 'whatever' is bullshit, that's what it is.. Fucking make up your mind and commit.. not 'whatever'

I'm on my knees begging you God, please help him to change. I don't wanna loose him, yet i cannot live with him like this.

please please please..

Random thoughts (2)- Rape

Rape
Ok, this is a thought of mine that I’ve tossed around so many times, my head is in a continuous spin from it. Are there levels of rape? I mean there are those of us that have rape fantasies. I for one will play with my clit on occasion while I envision someone forcing me to the point of me crying and screaming to get away. Sometimes the person/people in the fantasy.. the rapists.. are strangers and sometimes they are vaguely familiar faces. Even on occasion it’s my husband’s face. Actually more often then not it is my husband’s face, along with another.. a nondescript female usually. Nobody I know, just a random female.
Now I have been married twice. My first marriage was to an asshole. During my marriage he raped me many times. My body would betray my mind. My mind would be screaming “how could this man I love do this to me?”, while my pussy would be getting wet. I would even orgasm each time it happened. In fact towards the end of our marriage it was the only way we had sex, and the only time I’d get wet from anything he did. Now the truth is I honestly didn’t want sex with him most times. I would look at him and feel nothing but disgust. So why did I get wet? Why did I cum? I really don’t know.
I have always had fantasies of being rapped, before and after I had been raped. Not many people know about the rape he’d do. Also not many know that I was raped once by a co-worker who begged me for a ride home. He was brutal, even putting marks on my neck from strangling me. Bite marks that were very noticeable. But to most I never told it was a rape, just pretended that it was a consensual thing. Never seen the guy again, cause I could not return to work and face him. Before either of these men violated me I had fantasies of rape. After these men violated me I continue to have fantasies of rape.

I don’t feel like a rape victim is suppose to feel. Or at least what they say a rape victim is suppose to feel. The only lasting effect I have from it, is my skittishness to ever be alone with any man other then my husband, even in a public place. A neighbor guy comes over, and he has to stand outside, never would I invite him in the house, even if I think I could trust him. I’ve even had other things happen that were pretty scary.. not full fledged rape, but I’ve been cornered and fondled by complete strangers. Once when I was cleaning a hotel room, the manager’s brother came in and shut the door. Proceeded to try to undress me, and fondle my breasts.. things like this seem to happen if I’m alone too often with men. So I just rather stay away.
But I hear about these women that are raped and cannot even stand the touch of their husband anymore.. that are traumatized by it, never want sex again, or learn to hate sex. If it wasn’t for having the fantasy’s of rape before I was ever raped, maybe I’d attribute them to being raped in some weird twisted kinda way. But really I have no long lasting affects of the rapes, just this ever present confusion on why things happened the way they did. I can see playing out a rape fantasy with my husband.. you both know ahead of time the boundaries and it’s consensual, just play rape .. trying to get it as real as possible. This is something I’d love to do. But I do wonder if my feelings of betrayal would be there , should I ever be able to convince my husband to do this with me.. I can distinctly remember every single time I was raped by my ex. And none of that was the play rape consensual that I’m talking about… but 100% totally forced. But since I can recall each time so clearly as if it was yesterday… each emotion… the shame, the feeling of being trash, of being unloved, the desperation.. and yes even the feel of my pussy getting wet… I wonder if those bad feelings would surface should I ever want to do the roleplay fantasy of rape with my husband.

Maybe I don’t have a lot of the trauma other rape victims suffer because I sometimes think it was my fault. My husband knew I liked it rough on occasion.. I would ask him to slap me during sex when I was drunk.. maybe I asked for the rapes in a round about way?? The co-worker knew I was a sexual person, I’d continuously say flirty things to him, even very risky things like… ‘spank me baby, you know I like it rough’… so maybe in essence I made him feel rape is what I wanted..
Are there different levels of rape? What makes rape fantasies ok, but real rape not ok? How can women fantasize about rape, yet cry ohh poor me when they are actually truly raped? IS it not rape if it’s your husband? I dunno, I felt the same with both men that raped me, dirty, low..garbage, trash… in fact it was worse when my husband did it to me… maybe cause I was suppose to be able to trust him??
How can I go through things like that.. but still want it rough???? Lol I love to be fucked… and fucked hard… maybe after being raped I should never want a man to be rough during sex again??

Ok see this is why I crave attention from my hubby… then my mind wouldn’t have time to ponder things like this..lol

Husband Woes (4)- He's sick

Well hubby has gotten sick. He's not been feeling well for a little while now. So even though I did get some action one day, it was great but short. He's really not feeling well, so I suppose I'll take mercy on him and allow him some rest :P

I do love my husband very much, but when periods come that I don't receive affection from him.. such as now.. i notice the bad things more. Not that he should be showing me affection when he's sick.. i totally understand why he isn't. It's just that now my mind is not preoccupied with loving affectionate feelings for him, so it tends to wander.

Ahhh well guess I'll work through all the thoughts I have atm.

I have been reading other blogs, since I have so much extra time with him being sick, and found many interesting topics. Maybe I'll do some random thoughts later or tomorrow and express my views on all I've read.

In any case, an old friend of mine has contacted me. Catching up with him has been nice and gives me even more to think about and keep me occupied. It's rainy out today, so I'm stuck inside and cannot work on my gardens.. Guess it's back to school work....

Fantasy (1)- Intro/Who's that girl

Well sometimes i have these thoughts.. sometimes very detailed thoughts running through my head, and what better place to see them in words then on this blog. My fantasies are just that.. fantasies. Many times my fantasies will contradict my values and true feelings, but that is why they will always remain fantasies.

I am awoken by the clicks of steel. I'm awake, yet I cannot see. I reach to remove the cloth from my eyes, but my wrist is seized and pulled upwards when i hear yet again a series of little clicks. i know I have been handcuffed, and I start to panic. Where is my husband... why I am being cuffed and blindfolded... what is going on... I feel panic as my ankles are tied. I hear my husbands soft whisper, " it's alright gorgeous, I'm here, everything's ok."

I let a soft sigh escape my lips, and the wetness already gathering between my thighs grows. I have never known my husband to be so 'take charge'. Never has he even handcuffed me before. I let out a moan, extremely excited. Feeling light light butterfly kisses all over my belly and my breasts. Then rough kisses up my neck, over my face, taking my mouth under the brutal pressure of his kiss. Then Again, the light kisses moving lower, trailing down my thigh, back up the other. In a heartbeat his lips are assaulting mine again, plunging his tongue savagely into my mouth, while kissing me, I feel the contradicting light soft rubbing of my inner thighs.

Then to my amazement while my mouth is still under brutal attack from his, I feel wet, warm, soft lips softly brushing my thigh, moving closer and closer to the core of me. I let out a gasp of astonishment as I realize my husband and i are not the only two in the room. My pussy threateningly tightens, bringing me temptingly close to going over the edge, with just the knowledge of what is going on. Her.. and I now know it is a female in the room, no man touches quite like that... her soft hands slide along my hips as she delves her tongue into my wetness. Mmmm .... The assault on my mouth abrubtly stops just to be replaced by a hard dick being shoved into my mouth. He's fucking my mouth so hard, so deep I can barely breath. I start to feel the tremors go through my body as her tongue works magic. With one last thrust I feel my husbands cum slide down my throat as my hips buck with each sensual ripple of pleasure reverbeting from my pussy throughtout my body..........