Random thoughts (2)- Rape

Rape
Ok, this is a thought of mine that I’ve tossed around so many times, my head is in a continuous spin from it. Are there levels of rape? I mean there are those of us that have rape fantasies. I for one will play with my clit on occasion while I envision someone forcing me to the point of me crying and screaming to get away. Sometimes the person/people in the fantasy.. the rapists.. are strangers and sometimes they are vaguely familiar faces. Even on occasion it’s my husband’s face. Actually more often then not it is my husband’s face, along with another.. a nondescript female usually. Nobody I know, just a random female.
Now I have been married twice. My first marriage was to an asshole. During my marriage he raped me many times. My body would betray my mind. My mind would be screaming “how could this man I love do this to me?”, while my pussy would be getting wet. I would even orgasm each time it happened. In fact towards the end of our marriage it was the only way we had sex, and the only time I’d get wet from anything he did. Now the truth is I honestly didn’t want sex with him most times. I would look at him and feel nothing but disgust. So why did I get wet? Why did I cum? I really don’t know.
I have always had fantasies of being rapped, before and after I had been raped. Not many people know about the rape he’d do. Also not many know that I was raped once by a co-worker who begged me for a ride home. He was brutal, even putting marks on my neck from strangling me. Bite marks that were very noticeable. But to most I never told it was a rape, just pretended that it was a consensual thing. Never seen the guy again, cause I could not return to work and face him. Before either of these men violated me I had fantasies of rape. After these men violated me I continue to have fantasies of rape.

I don’t feel like a rape victim is suppose to feel. Or at least what they say a rape victim is suppose to feel. The only lasting effect I have from it, is my skittishness to ever be alone with any man other then my husband, even in a public place. A neighbor guy comes over, and he has to stand outside, never would I invite him in the house, even if I think I could trust him. I’ve even had other things happen that were pretty scary.. not full fledged rape, but I’ve been cornered and fondled by complete strangers. Once when I was cleaning a hotel room, the manager’s brother came in and shut the door. Proceeded to try to undress me, and fondle my breasts.. things like this seem to happen if I’m alone too often with men. So I just rather stay away.
But I hear about these women that are raped and cannot even stand the touch of their husband anymore.. that are traumatized by it, never want sex again, or learn to hate sex. If it wasn’t for having the fantasy’s of rape before I was ever raped, maybe I’d attribute them to being raped in some weird twisted kinda way. But really I have no long lasting affects of the rapes, just this ever present confusion on why things happened the way they did. I can see playing out a rape fantasy with my husband.. you both know ahead of time the boundaries and it’s consensual, just play rape .. trying to get it as real as possible. This is something I’d love to do. But I do wonder if my feelings of betrayal would be there , should I ever be able to convince my husband to do this with me.. I can distinctly remember every single time I was raped by my ex. And none of that was the play rape consensual that I’m talking about… but 100% totally forced. But since I can recall each time so clearly as if it was yesterday… each emotion… the shame, the feeling of being trash, of being unloved, the desperation.. and yes even the feel of my pussy getting wet… I wonder if those bad feelings would surface should I ever want to do the roleplay fantasy of rape with my husband.

Maybe I don’t have a lot of the trauma other rape victims suffer because I sometimes think it was my fault. My husband knew I liked it rough on occasion.. I would ask him to slap me during sex when I was drunk.. maybe I asked for the rapes in a round about way?? The co-worker knew I was a sexual person, I’d continuously say flirty things to him, even very risky things like… ‘spank me baby, you know I like it rough’… so maybe in essence I made him feel rape is what I wanted..
Are there different levels of rape? What makes rape fantasies ok, but real rape not ok? How can women fantasize about rape, yet cry ohh poor me when they are actually truly raped? IS it not rape if it’s your husband? I dunno, I felt the same with both men that raped me, dirty, low..garbage, trash… in fact it was worse when my husband did it to me… maybe cause I was suppose to be able to trust him??
How can I go through things like that.. but still want it rough???? Lol I love to be fucked… and fucked hard… maybe after being raped I should never want a man to be rough during sex again??

Ok see this is why I crave attention from my hubby… then my mind wouldn’t have time to ponder things like this..lol