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After reading Cookie's blog, I got very curious about the aspects of poly relationships. I know deep in my heart I could never agree to this. I am a very open individual when it comes to sexual things, but when it comes to a serious relationship, I guess I'm pretty closed minded. I believe that you should only be intimate... in any way... with the one person you are with.
Now this doesn't mean that I don't fantasize about other things. At one time I thought I'd like to have a three way relationship. To have a husband and gf. See I do find both sexes very sexy. I can get turned on thinking of men or thinking of women. I even had a friend I use to play with. We would kiss, fondle each other, even went as far as doing 69 with her. So I figured that I was bi, and my best bet was to be in a relationship where I could enjoy the best of both worlds so to speak.
But the older i get, the more time I take to think about it. I think that kind of stuff is better left to fantasy. I do believe in trying to make fantasies a reality, but never at the expense of true happiness for everyone involved. To me I don't think I could ever be truly happy, if I had to share. To me, sharing just means I'm not good enough.. I don't satisfy him enough. You see I guess I like to think that I am all he will ever need, I will be his number 1.... and not tied at number 1....but his number 1 by far.
Maybe if i was single, a roll in the hay in a threesome would be appealing if i wasn't attached to either. But I'm married, and he chose me... chose to marry me.. only me.. This means a lot to me. He chooses to only do intimate things with ME. Even just the idea of me being the only one he tells his secrets to is fascinating. I AM the only one he trusts in the whole world to be so open with, so vulnerable. this is the biggest gift one person can give to another and if it wasn't just being given to me... it wouldn't be as special.
These of course are my own personal feelings and beliefs. To each his own, I like to say. If someone can be truly happy in a poly relationship, then go for it, be happy. I think there are individuals that are happy in a poly relationship... but I would have to guess that the majority are only excited and content about it. By this I mean, it's new, it brings flavor to the relationship. Sure they may have hurt feelings and feel 'less then' sometimes, but to them what they get out of a poly relationship... the good things.. are worth going through the other things.
For me that 'less then' feeling that I would imagine many in poly relationships must feel is one of the worst feelings to have from the one you love.
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I understand your feelings with that. Poly relationships are very difficult and they are as different as each person involved in them. What one poly person thinks is not the same as all poly people think. Some might only be intimate with each other but have others to play with on the side such as in my case at the time. We set limits with each other as to how far that play can go as well. There are certain things that are only between him and I. Even when we play with others for me the level of love and trust and intimacy that he and I have comes no where close to that with others. It is hard to explain really. Knowing that you know who I am and I know you I can see where your conflict with your own curiosity lies. Really as you said the whole thing lies to being happy. I can be happy and content with the way things are in my life now but back when you knew me and I was with quite a few weirdos and scum as you know I couldn't have imagined myself being in this kind of relationship. But with trust in him and time I have learned to even like it. And have had a very wonderful and adventurous time. Some fantasies I have been able to become real and some are as you said just that fantasies. But I do trust Thomas enough to trust him to play out any fantasy that wouldn't jeopardize my health love or happiness or that of my children. And since his feelings for me are real and not fake having those fantasies doesn't change his feelings for me or the fact that he loves me. lol I read your fantasy and think you might just be a little kinkier then you think *giggles*. We have been taught a very different thing in our life that certain things are wrong when really it isnt a matter of right or wrong as much as it is what ones feels they want and need or like. When you let go of some of those embedded impressions then you can let your inner wild self free and really it can be fun and you might just like it really. But I am not saying to go ahead and follow your fantasies but if you trust your husband enough it might not be that far off from reality. Only you and him can know if it can be something that can be explored or left in a fantasy
ReplyDeletelol, i never said i wasn't kinky, i am very much so.. in my thoughts and feelings.. even in my sex life. I can remember back when u first showed me some of your kinky objects, feeling like i'd like to give them a whirl. :P
ReplyDeleteHA even at one time when you would show me your beaver on a log... you remember what i'm talking about??? i thought, i'd like to try it out with you. Now how's that for kinky??? I know you .. or at least what i know of you... is that you aren't into girls... that could have changed by now, but i kinda think it hasn't. But still i'm extremely personal. I tend to keep personal things like that to myself when it comes to real life people i know. However when it comes to people I know from the internet, I can be braver. I think the most personal thing I ever shared with you was how many people I've been with sexually.. or at least I tried to remember how many... I remember sitting in florida when i was with the asshole... and trying to write them all down.. even going so far as to burn the list because i was so afraid it would be found. You were my best friend then... we not only lived together we shared so much. We cried together, and laughed together. I seen you through so many jerks, and you seen me the whole time with the world's biggest ass.
In any case, yes I realize I'm kinky, more so then the average bear and a lot more then my real life friends and family will ever know. But to me there are just some things that are better left to a fantasy. It's not a matter of trust that i wouldn't cross the line. It's more a matter of selfishness. lol. I'm truly a selfish person when it comes to certain things, and I do find a lot of.. .hmmmm what's the word.. maybe power?? maybe pride? maybe self worth? in being someones one and only.
If I was single I'd be jumping at the chance to live some of my fantasy's because then I am no ones one and only, so might as well have fun. :P
Do you ever have those moments... when u think back in time over things that you've lived.. and think.. 'what if..' Well Cookie, let me share one of my 'what if..' moments with you. What if .... I had just tried kissing ya once... would you have hated me? Would you have found it interesting? Would you have turned me away? ^^ Would I have had to share you with my asshole husband? or could I have kept you all to myself? :P see there's my selfishness for ya :D
I respect that you aren't into girls, but I still wonder how you would have reacted had I just gone ahead and done something... HAHAHAH I can picture your face, being shocked and not knowing what to say. Even can picture your submissiveness.. even back then I would have to tell you to speak up!!! When we'd have an argument, you'd sit there and let me say all the stuff bothering me, but you'd keep your mouth shut..lol I tried so hard to get ya to open up when you would have a problem with me or my husband.. and very very few times you did say something. So even if you weren't wanting me to kiss you, i can see you just letting me do it.... ur submissive nature i guess :P
See, so much easier to say things online then in person...lol. Had I ever told you that I had been with a woman before.. yes I think I had told ya...
Yes I believe you did tell me that, we shared a lot of secrets with each other. And like you said I was very uncommunicative. Thomas knows that side of me as well but he has been the only one that has been able to break that silence and get me to open up more I feel safe with him. Its odd and even I dont understand it. but like you know we have been with some real assholes in our life. Your husband at that time was one of them. I didn't like him much at all but I never really had any problems with you that I can recall. Lol I remember the beaver yes. I don't have any of those things anymore. I do have something close to it now lol. Still I am the only one that uses it he doesn't use it on me. DO you have a yahoo account. If you do add me so we can chat sometime.
ReplyDeleteNow as far as what you said about kissing me and things. At the time I wouldnt know how I would have reacted. I am not attracted for say to girls but I would have to say that I am somewhat bi curious. Who knows I might have went along with it just out of curiosity. As far as sharing your husband at the time I can tell you that I wouldn't have wanted that at all. There was always something about him I didn't like but just couldn't really understand what it was. I don't know if you ever meet Reggie I can't recall when I meet him whether it was after you left or before. I knew it was at the apartments we shared. I pretty much stayed with him until I meet Thomas. We weren't dating or anything just having a good time every now and then. I think it was after you left but right after because I didn't stay at those apartments to long. I was working 2 jobs and I remember having to get the kids to sitters so I am sure you weren't there. Anyway he called me the other day asking how I was and wanting to get together. I was like what is it with people from my past contacting me lately. lol. First it was my son's Dad and a friend of mine from a long time ago then you then him and another guy from back home. Within almost a week I had about 5 or 6 old friends get in contact with me right after we returned from Texas and our commitment ceremony. Feels kind of weird to relive the past so suddenly. I am glad though that we got the chance to get in contact again. I did miss you and I have to admit I did look around some to see if I could find you. though I was looking for your first married last name. I remembered that but couldn't remember the maiden. I did think about you and wonder how you were.
i do have an old yahoo account... i'd have to try and remember the pw on it.. i mostly use msn messenger...
ReplyDeletetell me your name on either and i'll add ya
I only use yahoo but my name on that is c00kie_crawford the O's in Cookie are zeros. you can always make a new yahoo under cougar's girl if that will be easier. Just for your kinky friends lol.
ReplyDelete