A Good Day

Well after last night, and what a long night!!!! We ended up fighting till around 4 a.m. It's not usually like that with us. When we fight we usually make up fairly quickly since neither of us want to be be in an argument or have the other mad or sad.

Today has been a pretty good day. I'm very thankful that my internet was out again for most the day. My husband told me to water my plants and go out and do the gardens. I'm so glad he thought of this, I absolutely love playing with my plants. He even helped me to till the one garden. I felt kinda bad, since he's still suffering with a bad cough.. it might be bronchitis, but of course he won't go to the doctor. But i was still very glad to have him with me, doing something i love to do. He doesn't usually like to do stuff with the gardens. Then together we mowed and weed whacked the yard, till we ran out of gas...lol

It's so beautiful out.. neither of us wanted to come in, and he commented about how nice it would be to have a double hammock where we could lay and fall asleep together. Oh that would be delightful right now.

tomorrow is mothers day, and we had thought we might travel to my mom's... but Cougar really isn't feeling all that well still. So he asked that we beg off for this weekend and we can go there another weekend. I love to visit my family.. and we all have a great time... but i hate the car ride there. I so wished we lived closer to them. So i'm disappointed i won't be seeing them, I'm also very glad to not have to ride in the car for four hours.

Well today was very pleasant and I hope tomorrow is as relaxed and pleasant :)
Happy Mothers Day a bit early :)

Something else..

Ok i'll admit i'm not in the best of moods atm. But i had wanted to write about something else as well.
I read cookies blog before i got to writing my own for the day. She had made a blog about people from the past contacting her after years of no contact. I was one of them for her :)
Well the same has happened to me lately. It started when i remade a myspace account. People from my past, as far back as highschool started writing to me. I even met up with some old highschool friends on my last visit back to my parents.. That was very nice actually. One of the people that wrote to me.. is actually one of cookie's kids' dad, and that's what made me think of trying to find cookie again. I'm glad i did catch up with you again Cookie , and hope we can continue to communicate, and hopefully one day visit with each other :)
I had other people find me on myspace too. Some not worth mentioning at all.. but some were close friends in my past. I think there are some of them which I've grown too far apart from, to ever rekindle our friendship. While others i'm hopeful that we can catch up and get to know each other all over again.
As for one of them... i just have to say... lol be patient, i was busy trying to deal with a friends broken heart at the moment u messaged me on msn...and i didn't write you a billion times today cause i had to catch up on school work :P Then later of course my internet went out shortly after you tried msging me...btw your word count is improving although i don't consider kdfjao sdfoasjdf sdfojaosdfja sdfaldfdf to be real words ^^

now that i got that off my chest, i can go back to being in my bad mood.. ^^

ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHH

Ok i haven't the patience or desire to worry about the title. Which means this post will probably be very confusing with my thoughts flying from every direction at once. First, i love my husband... i love him very very very very much...
But damn Cougar, open ur damn mouth.... fucking learn to communicate!!!! You know how to communicate when ur angry... well maybe not.. seeing as you only know how to throw your temper tantrums and your hissy fits full of yelling....

I have one damn bad day.. one day in how long???????? I'm always so happy go lucky, today my internet being out pissed me off.. i had deadlines to meet and couldn't meet them so i get in a bad mood... wrong time to joke with me!!!!!!!

So i snip at you!! So fucking what, u do a lot more then snip at me when u have a bad day.. which is alot more often then i have a bad day. But i just overlook it... i move on.. act as if u hadn't just bitten my head off.. but you can't give me the same damn courtesy? Instead out pops your anger problem.. stomp off, slam doors.. ohhh FUCK IT!!!!!!!

So again you apologize, u tell me you will change... u tell me u realize that if you don't change it will cost you me. You say you mean it... but yet... you won't communicate with me!!! I tell you that we could try this time working together as a family to help you stop all the yelling... 'whatever' you say.. pleeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeeee someone tell me wtf 'whatever' means????? i'm so tired of getting that as a response. 'whatever' is bullshit, that's what it is.. Fucking make up your mind and commit.. not 'whatever'

I'm on my knees begging you God, please help him to change. I don't wanna loose him, yet i cannot live with him like this.

please please please..

Random thoughts (2)- Rape

Rape
Ok, this is a thought of mine that I’ve tossed around so many times, my head is in a continuous spin from it. Are there levels of rape? I mean there are those of us that have rape fantasies. I for one will play with my clit on occasion while I envision someone forcing me to the point of me crying and screaming to get away. Sometimes the person/people in the fantasy.. the rapists.. are strangers and sometimes they are vaguely familiar faces. Even on occasion it’s my husband’s face. Actually more often then not it is my husband’s face, along with another.. a nondescript female usually. Nobody I know, just a random female.
Now I have been married twice. My first marriage was to an asshole. During my marriage he raped me many times. My body would betray my mind. My mind would be screaming “how could this man I love do this to me?”, while my pussy would be getting wet. I would even orgasm each time it happened. In fact towards the end of our marriage it was the only way we had sex, and the only time I’d get wet from anything he did. Now the truth is I honestly didn’t want sex with him most times. I would look at him and feel nothing but disgust. So why did I get wet? Why did I cum? I really don’t know.
I have always had fantasies of being rapped, before and after I had been raped. Not many people know about the rape he’d do. Also not many know that I was raped once by a co-worker who begged me for a ride home. He was brutal, even putting marks on my neck from strangling me. Bite marks that were very noticeable. But to most I never told it was a rape, just pretended that it was a consensual thing. Never seen the guy again, cause I could not return to work and face him. Before either of these men violated me I had fantasies of rape. After these men violated me I continue to have fantasies of rape.

I don’t feel like a rape victim is suppose to feel. Or at least what they say a rape victim is suppose to feel. The only lasting effect I have from it, is my skittishness to ever be alone with any man other then my husband, even in a public place. A neighbor guy comes over, and he has to stand outside, never would I invite him in the house, even if I think I could trust him. I’ve even had other things happen that were pretty scary.. not full fledged rape, but I’ve been cornered and fondled by complete strangers. Once when I was cleaning a hotel room, the manager’s brother came in and shut the door. Proceeded to try to undress me, and fondle my breasts.. things like this seem to happen if I’m alone too often with men. So I just rather stay away.
But I hear about these women that are raped and cannot even stand the touch of their husband anymore.. that are traumatized by it, never want sex again, or learn to hate sex. If it wasn’t for having the fantasy’s of rape before I was ever raped, maybe I’d attribute them to being raped in some weird twisted kinda way. But really I have no long lasting affects of the rapes, just this ever present confusion on why things happened the way they did. I can see playing out a rape fantasy with my husband.. you both know ahead of time the boundaries and it’s consensual, just play rape .. trying to get it as real as possible. This is something I’d love to do. But I do wonder if my feelings of betrayal would be there , should I ever be able to convince my husband to do this with me.. I can distinctly remember every single time I was raped by my ex. And none of that was the play rape consensual that I’m talking about… but 100% totally forced. But since I can recall each time so clearly as if it was yesterday… each emotion… the shame, the feeling of being trash, of being unloved, the desperation.. and yes even the feel of my pussy getting wet… I wonder if those bad feelings would surface should I ever want to do the roleplay fantasy of rape with my husband.

Maybe I don’t have a lot of the trauma other rape victims suffer because I sometimes think it was my fault. My husband knew I liked it rough on occasion.. I would ask him to slap me during sex when I was drunk.. maybe I asked for the rapes in a round about way?? The co-worker knew I was a sexual person, I’d continuously say flirty things to him, even very risky things like… ‘spank me baby, you know I like it rough’… so maybe in essence I made him feel rape is what I wanted..
Are there different levels of rape? What makes rape fantasies ok, but real rape not ok? How can women fantasize about rape, yet cry ohh poor me when they are actually truly raped? IS it not rape if it’s your husband? I dunno, I felt the same with both men that raped me, dirty, low..garbage, trash… in fact it was worse when my husband did it to me… maybe cause I was suppose to be able to trust him??
How can I go through things like that.. but still want it rough???? Lol I love to be fucked… and fucked hard… maybe after being raped I should never want a man to be rough during sex again??

Ok see this is why I crave attention from my hubby… then my mind wouldn’t have time to ponder things like this..lol

Husband Woes (4)- He's sick

Well hubby has gotten sick. He's not been feeling well for a little while now. So even though I did get some action one day, it was great but short. He's really not feeling well, so I suppose I'll take mercy on him and allow him some rest :P

I do love my husband very much, but when periods come that I don't receive affection from him.. such as now.. i notice the bad things more. Not that he should be showing me affection when he's sick.. i totally understand why he isn't. It's just that now my mind is not preoccupied with loving affectionate feelings for him, so it tends to wander.

Ahhh well guess I'll work through all the thoughts I have atm.

I have been reading other blogs, since I have so much extra time with him being sick, and found many interesting topics. Maybe I'll do some random thoughts later or tomorrow and express my views on all I've read.

In any case, an old friend of mine has contacted me. Catching up with him has been nice and gives me even more to think about and keep me occupied. It's rainy out today, so I'm stuck inside and cannot work on my gardens.. Guess it's back to school work....

Fantasy (1)- Intro/Who's that girl

Well sometimes i have these thoughts.. sometimes very detailed thoughts running through my head, and what better place to see them in words then on this blog. My fantasies are just that.. fantasies. Many times my fantasies will contradict my values and true feelings, but that is why they will always remain fantasies.

I am awoken by the clicks of steel. I'm awake, yet I cannot see. I reach to remove the cloth from my eyes, but my wrist is seized and pulled upwards when i hear yet again a series of little clicks. i know I have been handcuffed, and I start to panic. Where is my husband... why I am being cuffed and blindfolded... what is going on... I feel panic as my ankles are tied. I hear my husbands soft whisper, " it's alright gorgeous, I'm here, everything's ok."

I let a soft sigh escape my lips, and the wetness already gathering between my thighs grows. I have never known my husband to be so 'take charge'. Never has he even handcuffed me before. I let out a moan, extremely excited. Feeling light light butterfly kisses all over my belly and my breasts. Then rough kisses up my neck, over my face, taking my mouth under the brutal pressure of his kiss. Then Again, the light kisses moving lower, trailing down my thigh, back up the other. In a heartbeat his lips are assaulting mine again, plunging his tongue savagely into my mouth, while kissing me, I feel the contradicting light soft rubbing of my inner thighs.

Then to my amazement while my mouth is still under brutal attack from his, I feel wet, warm, soft lips softly brushing my thigh, moving closer and closer to the core of me. I let out a gasp of astonishment as I realize my husband and i are not the only two in the room. My pussy threateningly tightens, bringing me temptingly close to going over the edge, with just the knowledge of what is going on. Her.. and I now know it is a female in the room, no man touches quite like that... her soft hands slide along my hips as she delves her tongue into my wetness. Mmmm .... The assault on my mouth abrubtly stops just to be replaced by a hard dick being shoved into my mouth. He's fucking my mouth so hard, so deep I can barely breath. I start to feel the tremors go through my body as her tongue works magic. With one last thrust I feel my husbands cum slide down my throat as my hips buck with each sensual ripple of pleasure reverbeting from my pussy throughtout my body..........

Random thoughts (1) - Poly relationships

After reading Cookie's blog, I got very curious about the aspects of poly relationships. I know deep in my heart I could never agree to this. I am a very open individual when it comes to sexual things, but when it comes to a serious relationship, I guess I'm pretty closed minded. I believe that you should only be intimate... in any way... with the one person you are with.

Now this doesn't mean that I don't fantasize about other things. At one time I thought I'd like to have a three way relationship. To have a husband and gf. See I do find both sexes very sexy. I can get turned on thinking of men or thinking of women. I even had a friend I use to play with. We would kiss, fondle each other, even went as far as doing 69 with her. So I figured that I was bi, and my best bet was to be in a relationship where I could enjoy the best of both worlds so to speak.

But the older i get, the more time I take to think about it. I think that kind of stuff is better left to fantasy. I do believe in trying to make fantasies a reality, but never at the expense of true happiness for everyone involved. To me I don't think I could ever be truly happy, if I had to share. To me, sharing just means I'm not good enough.. I don't satisfy him enough. You see I guess I like to think that I am all he will ever need, I will be his number 1.... and not tied at number 1....but his number 1 by far.

Maybe if i was single, a roll in the hay in a threesome would be appealing if i wasn't attached to either. But I'm married, and he chose me... chose to marry me.. only me.. This means a lot to me. He chooses to only do intimate things with ME. Even just the idea of me being the only one he tells his secrets to is fascinating. I AM the only one he trusts in the whole world to be so open with, so vulnerable. this is the biggest gift one person can give to another and if it wasn't just being given to me... it wouldn't be as special.

These of course are my own personal feelings and beliefs. To each his own, I like to say. If someone can be truly happy in a poly relationship, then go for it, be happy. I think there are individuals that are happy in a poly relationship... but I would have to guess that the majority are only excited and content about it. By this I mean, it's new, it brings flavor to the relationship. Sure they may have hurt feelings and feel 'less then' sometimes, but to them what they get out of a poly relationship... the good things.. are worth going through the other things.

For me that 'less then' feeling that I would imagine many in poly relationships must feel is one of the worst feelings to have from the one you love.

Kids (2)- school activities

Today I attended after school activities of some of the kids. One activity was a singing program. It was so cute, I had particular interest in the ... *merocca player and the one playing a bush. So very cute, I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I took pics and videos. The other activity was a sporting event. My kid did well, and I'm very proud. My voice is a lil horse from yelling and cheering!

It was a late night, got home around 9 i think. Kids are just now eating dinner. O.O Very quick dinner, sandwiches :P

*sorry don't know how to spell moracca? morracca? meroca? merroca? lol the things ya shake that sounds like they have beeds in them.

Husband Woe's (3) - In heaven :D

Well I must say that yesterday was wonderful.
We were very intimate all day and night. Having sex twice.
He showed me so much attention all day, paying particular attention to my ass, which of course I LOVE!! It works out well, because he loves my ass, and always shows particular attention to it when he's feeling frisky.

After a rough start with trying to bring his kink into play, I was finally able to preform while we were in the shower. Which he loved!!

I must also add that yesterday something else happened that doesn't happen all that often but when it does, man oh man, am i happy.

I was being very shy about asking him a question concerning his kink, and he is usually just as shy so he usually just lets it go. But this time when I chickened out and wasn't going to ask him.. he grabbed my ass. Pinching.... A little at first, telling me to ask the question. I said no, and he increased the pressure. Usually he will just give up, but not this time. This time he just kept doing it harder, until I had no choice but to tell what my question was. Now some people might think this is mean of him.... BUT Let me tell ya something.. this makes me so wet. I'm a bit of a submissive person, although at times I have to be the one in control for circumstances. But I love when my man takes complete control over me that way. I like a little bit of pain as well. Not alot, like I'd never want to be seriously hurt. But a lil ass pain now and then is good... very good :P So with one action, he hit on two of my kinks... two of my BIG kinks, and let me just tell you it was glorious :P

I had to run to the store later that night, and sitting in the car on the way to the store, I could still feel the pain in my ass. It was great. I felt like I still had him with me, even though he was back at home. It was a wonderful reminder of what a great day we had. Today my ass doesn't hurt at all, although I can still feel where he pinched if I sit a certain way. And I love that feeling!!

Another thing he did last night, which he's never done before, but i've asked him to many times. In the shower first, then later in the bedroom. He stood naked in the shower, and i went on my knees to take him in my mouth. Usually he is so gentle, he would never be forceful without alot of prompting. But last night he did put his hands on the back of my head, holding my head , so his dick is deep in my throat, then was fucking my mouth... ohhhhh i love it. Again, it's the submissive thing i love about it. Usually i just take him in my mouth and it's my head that moves back and forth, with very very light pressure on the back of my head by his hands. But last night.... ohhhh it was perfect. Once in the shower then once with me on the bed and him standing in front of it... Oh i just love it when he fucks my face :D

My ultimate goal is to get him to keep getting braver and braver, more sure of himself, so that way he's not so shy to do things like this with me.

Wish me luck on my conquest :P

Kids (1)- Intro/sick

As I mentioned, I am a mother. In order to keep anonymity, I will not express the kids' names, ages or sex. However on occasion I do like to vent, brag, boast about them :P While in this blog I will only refer to them as; one of the kids, the kids, etc, I wish to express how unique and special each one is :) Each one means the world to me and each one has his/her own set of quirks and conundrums.

At this time all the kids are sick to some degree. One is at home from school because of strep throat. I will be calling the doctor again today to make appts for the others, suspecting they probably have the same thing.

Other then the illnesses they suffer at the moment, each is doing well. Grades vary from excellent to satisfactory, behaviors are typical of their age, and health is overall good. As I have mentioned in my husband woes post... their biggest complaint could only be their relationship to their step-dad. Hopefully this will change.

Tomorrow I have two school events to attend, the times conflict, and I'm still not sure which I should attend, I don't want to show favoritism and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Guess I'll figure it out.....

Husband Woe's (2)- Rough start, nice finish

Well over the weekend, we had a rough start with intimate side of our relationship. First night he went all day playing a game on his computer. Several times me mentioning that I want his attention after dinner. When dinner ended, he kept right on playing his game, so I tried to grab his attention. Sitting bare bottom on his back as he laid on his belly playing his game. This seemed to have no affect, so I shyly suggested doing his kink. He didn't refuse, but yet seemed very nonchalant about the whole thing and kept right on playing his game. He did stop playing his game, long enough for us to watch a movie together, but then decided at 2 in the morning, he hadn't had enough of his game. He reached for his mouse, and I tried to grab it from him, but he just got upset with me. So I thought 'forget it', turned over and tried to go to bed. He didn't stay on his game long, and was laying close and rubbing my butt, while I tried hard to ignore him. He didn't seem to react to me being upset, so I sat up abruptly letting him know something was wrong. He asked what the matter was, and I replied "you". Then I went on to explain how he had been ignoring me, and again making feel as if he is not attracted to me. He got mad and stormed out of the room. Went to the living room and sat on the sofa in the dark.

I was so upset, Thinking, why would he react this way, when he's the one who hurt me. Eventually I swallowed my pride and went out to talk to him. He had fallen asleep!!! Now I know this was after three in the morning, but it's the worst thing you can do in my opinion. Fall asleep while your significant other is terribly hurt or upset, especially when you are the cause of it. So I grabbed my keys and left. Really I just wanted to get out of the house to have a good cry and scream a little, without any witnesses. I was gone for less then 20 minutes, and was surprised to see that he had gone out looking for me. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't show very many feelings of caring, so for him to leave and look for me was a pleasant surprise, and calmed me down right away.

We went back to the bedroom and talked, he finally started to understand how he had made me feel, and felt bad about choosing his game over me. We did end up getting intimate, with a tiny bit of his kink play. The next night went well, with him staying away from his game and giving me a lot of his time. We were intimate again, which is surprising seeing as usually at least three days go in between if not a lot longer. I'm wondering as I sit here if I can convince him to go for three nights in a row?? I'm doubtful, but hopeful at the same time.

Husband Woes (1)- Intro

This I'm sure will be the first post of many in a series titled 'Husband Woes'.

My husband is not the father of the children, but has been in their life as step-dad for over 5 years. You'd think by now he'd have things down pat. But sadly this is not the case. Some of our biggest arguments are over his treatment of the kids. He is not abusive, but he's not very loving either. He says he loves them, yet his actions don't usually reflect this. He is quick to temper, with a threshold of patience at a minimum. Little things irritate him. Maybe it's how he was raised, maybe it's his heritage. He is of a heritage that is known for fast, loud tempers. He's definately a 'yeller'.

Many days I find myself at my wits ends in dealing with him.

I've had many talks with him, where I threaten divorce if his attitude doesn't change. Sometimes it seems like he's trying, other times it seems as if he's not.

I love this man so much, he has become a part of who I am. But at times I feel as if I could hate him for his treatment of the kids.

So most of our fights are about how he treats the kids, and if it's not that, then it's usually about sex. I am a very sexual person, he doesn't seem to be. A good example of this.... on our *8 day 7 night honeymoon, we had sex ONE time. 0.o And not because I didn't want it more.

Sometimes I think it's because he's not a sexual person, other times i think it's just because he's not attracted to me. He swears he is very attracted to me, but he's my husband, he has to say that. I know I've caught him masturbating a couple times, which I wouldn't mind normally, except that I am always wanting sex, and not getting it. Why must he waste it?? I think I could count on one hand how many times I've turned him down in our whole relationship, and it was always because I didn't feel well. He has turned me away many times, seemingly for no reason at all, besides just not wanting me.

Maybe our sex life is too boring for him, maybe I should think of ways to spice it up. Funny thing is, I'm extremely kinky and would be willing to try just about anything! He does have a kink, and I've tried many times to explore this kink with him, he definately gets very excited when I do something that follows along this kink. But this is not a kink of mine, so I'm very unsure of myself when I go along with it. What will and what will not turn him on?? Just because it is not my kink, doesn't mean that it doesn't turn me on, it does. It does because one of my many fetishes is turning him on. I love to turn men on, to watch/feel them get hard, to take them to that point where there is no turning back. Where if you then were to refuse them, most men would be unable, or at least it would be extremely hard for them to stop. To bring out the animal in them. I have had many thoughts about out of the blue just going to my husband and initiating this kink of his, but like I said I am unsure of myself and still need some sort of encouragement from him to bring the kink into play. I don't know what it is that gets him so worked up about this kink, and when I asked him, he cannot tell me, so I'm always afraid I'll do it wrong. Maybe later I'll search some blogs and see if I can find others that have this same kink. Maybe I can learn something that will benefit my husband by reading what others enjoy.

I am leery about saying what this kink is, because it is not my business to tell the world of my husbands kink. I am trying to make this an anonymous blog, but what if someone can figure it out? Maybe as I write and time goes on, I'll be a little more confident that no one we know would figure out who this is. Until that time, I will just call it his kink. Although I imagine that when we next explore this kink, it will be hard to tell you all about it, without revealing what the kink is.

In any case, our sex life is great when we have it, it feels great and I almost always have an orgasm or two or more. It's just that it is not as often as I'd like.

Well for now that is about all I wish to talk about concerning my husband, but rest assured there will be many more posts on him in the future.


*I'm a very forgetful person, so our honey moon time might have been a little less, but it was close to that

Introduction

Well, I have decided to make this blog for several reasons. First I have so many things on my mind, second I wanted a place to vent that is totally anonymous, third maybe posting about some of my thoughts and ideas will help me to take action on them. I don't know if anyone will ever read this blog, since my intention is for this whole thing to be a secret from family and friends. However the idea that every now and then someone will happen along this blog and make a comment or two, that is honest even if it is rude is very intriguing to me. See when you are surrounded by people that love you, they tend to sugar coat things. Now you wouldn't want the people you love and care about to say nasty things to you, but at the same time it's hard to know what the 'truth' about matters are.

Let me tell you a few things about me. I am a thirty something woman, although at times my heart feels 15 and my body feels 80. I have kids, yet as I age my tolerance for kids becomes less. I am happily married, yet sometimes feel like the marriage is doomed. I do not work out of the home, yet sometimes I am away from my home for a week at a time. I am an online college student close to graduation, yet sooooo far away. I have health issues, that sometimes hold me back, yet will never hold me down. I rarely finish things I start, but often finish things others start. I'm pretty even tempered although at times my temper flares. My likes and dislikes seem to change alot, yet my values seem pretty constant. I'm lazy, yet my drive is high. As you can tell sometimes I'm firm, yet other times I'm very wishy-washy. I set goals that I never meet, yet meet goals I never set. I'm perfectly sane, yet my insanity drives people crazy. Often I am happy and content, and often I am depressed and discontent. I'm your average Jane, and married to the average Joe. I am the superstar you know, and married to the superstar you'd like to know. I am all of these things, yet master of none!